Society often struggles to bridge generational and cultural divides. People quickly retreat into echo chambers, making genuine connection across different identities difficult. This lack of understanding leads to isolation and prevents meaningful conversations about acceptance and shared human experiences.
The Old Man and the Queer tackles these divides head-on by exploring the transformative power of an unexpected bond. By sparking a national dialogue on identity and acceptance, the creators challenge audiences to look past surface differences. In this interview, we discuss the inspiration behind the story, the importance of cross-generational connection, and the cultural impact of the project.
Q: What inspired the core relationship between the two main characters in The Old Man and the Queer?
Jeff Comerchero: The genesis of the relationship can be found in the sub-title, “The Transformative Story of a Retired Mayor and the Barber Who Freed Him from Bigotry”. On Father’s Day 2021, my son and I were gifted with an afternoon at a men’s hair spa. I honestly didn’t know such a thing existed. It involved a haircut by a certified master barber, a beard trim, and a hot towel shave. I was taken to a room in the rear of the facility while my son was in a more public area near the front door. I was finished first and walked to the front to see how my son was doing. I was appalled at what I saw. His barber looked to me to be about a 15-year-old boy, but with multiple tattoos, including a large moth-like character on the neck, a nose ring, and what appeared to be projectiles shooting out the ears. As a mid-70s lifelong political and social conservative, I found this to be so repulsive that I told myself I would never let this person touch me.
Later that evening I started to feel terrible about myself and what I was thinking and feeling. I had always prided myself on having no biases and being accepting of everyone. Now I rudely discovered that I had been lying to myself and that really didn’t sit well. So out of some element of curiosity, but mostly guilt, I decided to book my next haircut appointment with this strange looking barber. Five weeks later, I did. Through limited awkward conversation, I discovered that this barber, Liz, was actually a 23-year-old biological female who identified as non-binary. I didn’t understand what that meant, although I got quite an education in the months that followed.
Two other things formed the basis of what eventually became a beautiful, albeit odd, friendship. I was looking for a new barber and loved the haircuts from Liz, and what surprised me was that I unexpectedly found Liz to be a delightful person.
Q: The project tackles complex themes of identity and acceptance. How do you balance delivering a strong message with telling an engaging story?
Jeff Comerchero: The two go hand in hand. Without engaging characters, even the strongest message would fall flat. In our case, the characters didn’t have to be created, or even embellished. The richness already existed in the truth of both our lives. The one thing we did do to enhance the readers interest was to each write our own story in our own style. By virtue of my long history of serving in high level positions I was both accustomed to, and comfortable with, the written word. Liz, on the other hand, was just the opposite. So our writing styles were quite different. We felt this was an important way to demonstrate how different we were and that was the basis of reader interest. How could two people, so different in every way, forge a friendship that would be rewarding and fulfilling for both of them? In alternating chapters, we detailed who we are and the formation of a relationship that went from impossible to incredible.
Q: The story is sparking a national conversation. What specific reactions from the audience have surprised you the most?
Jeff Comerchero: We expected strong pushback from various segments of the population, but it simply never materialized. Instead what we found was the issue of how best to relate to members of the LGBTQ community, affected almost everyone. In our book signings, lectures and Q & A sessions, the vast majority of those in attendance related their own stories of a queer friend or relative. It was gratifying to us to see that the environment created at our events was welcoming and that encouraged a certain comfort level. Our favorite story came from a woman in her early 60s who spent most of her life in Sweden where she was a fighter pilot in the Air Force. She had now been in the United States for 10 years and never revealed to anyone here that she was a transgender woman. She told us afterwards that she hadn’t planned on that revelation, she just felt so comfortable with the positive nature of the discussion that she decided it was time. It was truly heartwarming, and the manner in which all the guests responded was so supportive.
Q: Generational and cultural divides are a major issue today. How does this unlikely friendship provide a blueprint for real-world empathy?
Jeff Comerchero: The message is really a simple one. That being that if this older retired Mayor could tear down the wall of prejudice that tailored his thinking virtually all his life, then there is no justification for anyone to think and feel as he did. What both Liz and I learned was to re-orient our default setting. Instead of viewing people with the attitude that, I’m not going to like you, prove me wrong, we all should see the good in people first. We don’t make the claim that you need to love everyone. There is no shame in disliking someone, but it should be for the right reasons, not merely superficial ones.
Q: What was the biggest challenge in bringing this narrative to life without falling into common stereotypes?
Jeff Comerchero: One of the most interesting aspects of writing this book was what I viewed as the changes I saw in Liz throughout the 2 years of the project. Liz was open and honest with me about who they were, but understood that, given my starting point, I likely couldn’t easily handle everything at once. That assessment was accurate. Early on I accepted the fact that those who identify as non-binary view themselves as neither male or female or in some cases both. During our weekly writing sessions, Liz revealed through discussion and my own observations, that non-binary is actually a spectrum of gender identities. In Liz’s case, that identity was more masculine than feminine. I hadn’t expected that, and in fact when they happily showed me their new driver’s license with a new name, I didn’t quite know how to react. My friend was now Eli James Radford. I was confused. What “Liz” was telling me was that “he” more fully identified as a male and his true gender designation was Trans Masculine. My young female barber, co-author, and friend, was now my buddy Eli. It took me several months of wondering whether to hold the door open or slap him on the ass and say “nice game”. I did neither. In a way, I was mourning the death of Liz. Eventually it sunk in that Liz hadn’t disappeared and was exactly the same person I drew close to, only with a new name. Interestingly, we used the moniker E.J. Radford as my co-author’s name so the reader would not identify gender until we were ready to discuss that change in the book.
To more succinctly answer your question, we didn’t really have an issue with stereotypes since both Eli and I are so atypical. I did start the journey as what is viewed as the quintessential male Conservative, biases and all. Through the book however, the reader sees me morph into someone with much more understanding and with more moderate views of those with whom I cross paths. That change occurred organically, mostly because what I found in Eli was a person with a high level of intelligence and integrity. Just a very likable person. That shattered whatever preconceived notions I may have had. Frankly, I found freedom of bias to be liberating.
Q: What is the single most important takeaway you want audiences to leave with after experiencing this story?
Jeff Comerchero: It’s an age-old question that society has struggled with forever. How do we break the bonds of bigotry and learn to accept people where they are, not where we wish for them to be. Many view gender dysphoria in general, and Transgender people in particular, as anomalies of nature. To some degree that may be true, but we all process traits that make us different, don’t we? Our hope is that our experiences and transformation can serve as a model for both those struggling to find acceptance and those who should be providing it.
In actuality, what we have been finding is that the group gaining the most from this book are those in the LGBTQ community. From the large amount of feedback, they have been telling us that they find comfort in knowing that even old conservative folks like me, can change their points of view on gender issues. On the other side of the coin, those we feel most need to hear our story, those who go through life as I did before meeting Eli, are hesitant to pick up the book. We know that to some, using the word Queer in the title can be off-putting. We did that intentionally for a bit of shock value, and also to demonstrate that in today’s world that’s how “gay” folks identify themselves. In my youth that certainly was not the case and Queer was viewed as strongly derogatory. Not so today. Even with that hesitancy, we know that we are making headway and while we don’t profess to be able to change the world, we are making a difference.
Our message is not a new one, nor is it a great revelation. To quote the last paragraph in the book:
“We have the ability to do better and to be better. At its core, this book is a challenge to choose right over wrong, good over bad, acceptance over intolerance, justice over inequity, and love over bigotry.”
This discussion highlights the profound need for empathy in today's fragmented society. Stories that explore unlikely connections remind us that shared humanity often outweighs generational differences. True acceptance requires stepping outside familiar comfort zones and listening to perspectives that challenge our own.
As the national dialogue around identity continues to evolve, narratives that foster understanding will remain crucial. Meaningful art drives cultural progress and encourages open conversations. The Old Man and the Queer stands as a powerful example of how storytelling can successfully bridge divides and unite audiences.
You’ll find it on Amazon in both written and e-book versions.
To learn more visit https://theoldmanandthequeer.com/